Feeling off

I am not sure what the deal is today but I feel "off".  Just in a grumpy mood and just do not feel really good, nothing particular.  Nothing happened I just miss home, hate being stationed here, trying to find motivation for my schoolwork, always stressing about money and the house.  I just feel like I am playing a game trying to catch up with things and get things in order.  I seem to just feel like I am getting farther and farther behind.  Like I am drowning and just trying to keep my head above water.

I just can not seem to put my finger on why I am feeling the way I am.  I am ready for Christmas to go home and for our families who have not met Grayson to meet him for the first time.  I just feel alone right now, even though I know I am not.  It is just one of those days I guess.

Coming back from picking our pumpkins

Grayson and I at the Pumpkin Patch...he is in the Moby wrap.

He had such a great time!

On a less depressing note...Grayson is just growing up so much each day.  He is getting his own personality and I just love it.  We went grocery shopping and the whole time he was smiling up at Derrek and giggling a little here and there.  He is talking (cooing) all the time.  He is holding his head and back up so well.  He just has grown up so much in the last 3 days.  It is exciting to see him growing but, a little sad too cause it is happening so fast.  He can wear some 6-9 month clothing now.  Mainly he is wearing 3-6 and some 0-3 still.  He is just growing out of things so quickly.  I am trying to find new ways to entertain him each day.  We will be starting to do some basic sign language with him at around 6 months.  I look forward to that.  For now I will just cherish each day, as each day changes and brings new personality traits to our lil Monkey.  I am just madly in love with him and love being able to be with him everyday, I am blessed to be able to do that!

XOXO

October 15th, Infant/Pregnancy Loss

Most people do not know the significance of October 15th, and two years ago I fell into the category of not knowing.  October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  This day is for women AND men who have lost children to infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirths.  Before I miscarried I did not know how common it was for women to loss a baby before or after birth.  It is something people do not like talking about and because of the lack of support and knowledge on the subject it made the days and months after our miscarriage, lonely.  I felt so alone during that time even though I was surrounded by love and support.  I felt like my world had ended because I had already in those 10 weeks fallen so in love with that baby.  I honestly thought I would never recover and that no one understood.  I even had a "friend" say how she understood and compared my situation and hurt to her dog dying after she had only had him a few weeks.  Maybe it was mean of me, but I did not want anyone to say they "understood" or there was a "reason" the baby did not survive or "you are young" or the worst "at least you know you can get pregnant".  Though people just try to help, those things were the worst to hear.  I have to say the all winner of things NOT to say to a woman after a loss is "everything happens for a reason".  I believe in this statement completely, but at a time of grief that is NOT something you want to hear.  I guess now that I am on the subject I should write my story of my loss, because I want to have it in writing to remember that day even though it was a terrible loss, I do not want to forget the little angel we now have watching over us and how he or she changed our lives.  So here goes it, details might be too much for you to read and the story might be long, but this is something I need to do for myself....

Derrek and I were in the worst possible time in our lives.  We were still trying to adjust to marriage and each struggling with growing up.  Derrek had just re-enlisted and we were about to be moving.  He was going to be going to Maryland for school, while I went home for those three months, then we would report to our next duty station.  We went home (CO.  At the time we were stationed at Fort Irwin, CA) for Christmas.  It was Christmas Eve and I had not yet started my period which was unusual cause I was usually pretty regular.  I just "knew" I was pregnant, which was weird for me to have that feeling.  So I made Derrek go to 7-11 to get me a pregnancy test and of course a slurpee.  My mom told me to test that night so I would not worry all night.  I took the little stick into the bathroom and did my thing.  I than took it to my Mom upstairs and said "I do not know what this means" and she looked at me and said well it is light but it is positive.  So I went and told Derrek and we just held each other.  I did not know how I felt yet.  The next day (and 4 tests later) was Christmas so we told our families by giving them Christmas cards that said "Merry Christmas Uncle or Grandpa or Grandma" and waited for there reactions.  So to us it was the best Christmas present we could have imagined. 

So we drove back to CA and began to pack cause we were clearing Fort Irwin to move to our next duty station.  I was so tired and worn out.  Derrek flew out to MD a few weeks later and my mom came to drive back with me to CO.  The night before we left to CO I had a little spotting.  I was worried but my mom reassured me it was okay.  I had still been feeling my pregnancy symptoms and did not really think twice.  The next few weeks passed and I adjusted to feeling sick and being away from Derrek.  One afternoon Derrek and I got in a fight and I had gone up to my Mom's work to take her something (she works at an OBGYN/Prenatal Diagnosis office as a RN).  I was so upset cause of the fight with Derrek so she suggested we do an ultrasound to make me feel better.  She asked one of the Ultrasound techs if she would do one.  So we go into the room and she begins to look for the baby on my stomach.  I should have been 11 weeks at this time.  She could not see anything but did not seem worried.  She then did a vaginal ultrasound to see because the baby would still be small and sometimes only seen this way.  She begins looking, and honestly the next few minutes are not something I remember.  She than says calmly how the baby is measuring 6weeks.  So she proceeds to tell me that I could be off on my dates or there could be something wrong but it was hard to tell at that point.  So we decided I would come back the following Friday to see if there was growth in the size of the sac and that would be how we knew what was going on.  I left feeling a little numb but hopeful.

It was not till a few hours later it hit me that the baby was gone.  I just got this overwhelming feeling that I had lost the baby.  My friends and even Derrek tried to tell me to be hopeful and wait till the following week to see for sure, but I just knew it was over.  The next week was full of sleeping, tears and avoiding people including family.  I went back and it was confirmed that I was going to be miscarrying at any point.  Because this was not my actual dr and they were just doing it for me cause my Mom has worked there for 30ish years, there was not much I could do.  Plus with me being in the middle of duty stations the things I had to do to see someone was just a lot of work.  Because the baby was not measuring more than 6weeks I was told a natural miscarriage was not a big deal.  So one of my Mom's docs came in to explain what would happen and how it would feel and such.  So began the waiting game.

Over the next 2 weeks I emotionally grieved a lot and went though what to me was the worst time in my life.  The waiting game made it even harder.  I was going to MD to visit Derrek for Valentine's weekend and President's weekend cause he had a 4 day.  I knew it would wait till I was on my trip to happen, I just know how my life works.  So I go to MD on a Thur night.  Friday night I began having cramps.  I used the heating pad things you can put in your underwear that last an hour and placed it on my stomach.  I did NOT sleep at all that night.  About 8am I got up cause the cramps were just getting worse and it was so painful.  I go to the bathroom and the bleeding had began.  I woke Derrek up to be with me.  We obviously knew what was happening so we just had to wait it out and get through this last part of something we had been waiting 3 weeks for. 

As the morning progressed so did the cramps.  They got so intense I was crying and I was use to bad menstrual cramps since I was 14.  The bleeding was so much it grossed me out and I had never had an issue with being grossed out by blood.  I just sat on the toilet and cried as I was passing everything.  It was scary and I did not know if certain things that were happening were normal so I had Derrek calling my mom like every 5 mins.  I was so dizzy and nausea's that I even puked a few times in the trash can. I could not get off the toilet cause I was just bleeding so much, so the next best option was the shower.  I sat in the shower for about 3 hours.  At one point I got up and was standing in the shower cause it was hurting my back sitting in the shower.  Then everything went hazy and white.  Next thing I remember is I am sitting down with Derrek's hands on each side of my head holding it up and saying "Baby, stay with me" over and over again.  I could hear him, but could not seem to be able to respond.  Once I was able to I learned I had fainted.  For some reason Derrek had a feeling to get in the shower and luckily he did our I would have fallen back and cracked my head open.  But he had JUST gotten in he said and he caught me. 

So than for the billionth time he called my mom.  She informed us it was just cause of the blood loss.  But after the next hour of almost passing out numerous times even when sitting, she said we should go into the hospital just in case the amount of blood I had lost was more than my body could handle.  So sadly on our way out of the hotel we informed the front desk what was happening and giving them a warning.  Our room needed to be cleaned, but I wanted them to know the mess in the bathroom so they were prepared.  We finally get to a hospital and it was just a long night.  We had nurses who were telling me how excited they were cause there friend just had her baby.  Like HELLO I did not just lose mine, so yes please tell me about your friend.  I had an ultrasound to confirm I had passed everything, and I had.  Besides the ultrasound tech we did not get any support and left with no information or anything.  We went and got food and went back to the hotel room.  We just spend the next few days together, numb and depressed.  The day of the miscarriage was 2/14/2009, Valentine's Day.  Though it sucked that it happened when I was visiting Derrek I am glad it happened when we could be together.  He never once left my side even through the disturbing image of me bleeding, puking and passing out.  I saw a new strength in him and that helped us grow closer in marriage.  Still to this day, even though I now have a 9 week old, I think about that baby and what "could" have been.  Some days I am reminded strongly of the loss we endured and the pain I still have in my heart. 

The day after our loss we got tattoos to remember the time that changed our lives, this is Derrek's.

<3 In Remembrance of our Valentine Baby, 2/14/2009 <3

XOXO

Miscarriage story and birth story...

I know these two, birth story and my baby loss story, do not go together.  But I have not written out in details either of these.  Both were hard for me to live through and hard for me to write about.  Though one obviously had a long lasting aching pain left in me and the other has an amazing life changing in only great ways affect on my life, they both were hard for me to live through...for lack of a better term.  I am setting a goal for myself to have both stories written by next week.  My first focus will be my loss story cause with the 15th approaching (infant and pregnancy loss day) I feel it can only help me grow by writing the full story in detail and sharing it.  Mainly I am hoping for some healing and ways to connect with that pain in order to helps others and come to understanding of it all.

PLEASE do not get me wrong about my birth story be like my loss story.  It is not.  The birth story, ended with the greatest gift I have ever gotten, but the journey for me was rough and almost scaring to me.  Plus in a weird way the two go together cause it is my journey to a better me and healing.  When I miscarried I felt SO ALONE and lost.  But now I know that is not the case.  I wish I would have known that a year and a half ago.  I do know this now, so I want to help others.  I want other women to have a place to come to share there emotions and help get them through something that at the time you feel you will never make it through. If I can help just ONE woman to feel support through a tragic time, then I will feel I have helped.  That is not to say I do not want to help more than one person!  I have to say I owe thanks to my friend Kristin Cook (http://dearbabycook.blogspot.com/).  She has just done such amazing things and I hope once I get settled into school and know how to manage my time well that I can be more involved in her movement and can help more women out.

Along with baby loss is also TTC or infertility problems.  All go together because the end problem is loss of a baby.  Even if you have not been pregnant and miscarried or lost the pregnancy you still have loss.  All of the above can take a toll on a woman and even make a woman feel less like one.  This is just my opinion and my experiences obviously.  I never knew there was PCOS awareness but there is and it can be a devastating thing to have to go through as I have learned through one of my best friends (http://lovemarriageinfertility.blogspot.com/).  So because I did not know about it I am assuming many people did not.  So I wanted to post some AWESOME links to cool appeal to support both PCOS and infant loss.
http://www.facesofloss.com/
http://www.iamtheface.org/
www.gifts4awareness.com
http://www.projectpcos.org/

Until I get time and emotions to write my entire birth story and loss story, this blog will do.  But I WILL have my loss story posted by the 15th.

XOXO

Smiles actually do light up my days

Grayson's smiles can just melt my heart.  He smiles socially now and I can say that is one of the greatest feelings.  It was 4:45am and I was TIRED.  I had an anxiety attack around 1am and Derrek had 24hr duty so I was alone.  After anxiety attacks I am soooo exhausted and sore, so when I finally fell asleep and Grayson woke up to eat, I was groggy and grumpy.  He slept for me from 9:30pm-4:45am so really he was being nice to me, he must have sensed I needed some rest. Even though I had gotten 3 good hours of sleep in, when he woke up for his first feeding I was dragging.

Every time he wakes up for feedings, which he is now only doing 2 times a night, I changed his diaper before nursing him.  I take him in his room and lay him on the changing table and he looks right at me and just smiles.  How can I not be in a good mood after that?  Last night...or I should say this morning, he was talking to me and even laughing at 4:45am.  This is what makes everything worth it.  Those middle of the night feedings, those NASTY diapers (he had 3 BAD ones Thur), refusing to nap and that high pitch cry, simply seem like blessings when you see that little smile and eyes fixed right on you.  The cooing (talking) is also adorable.

Grayson at 7weeks enjoying time watching Mommy cook

As we approach infant loss week, I can not help but have a broken heart for our loss and everyone around me who has had a loss, whether it be infant loss, miscarriage or stillbirth.  It stinks to be apart of that community but I must say I have met some amazing women and wish I would have met them right after I miscarried.  Would have made getting through that difficult time a little easier.  I have a friend who had a stillbirth in May and she has gone on to do amazzzzing things.  I will post a blog about that in the next few days.

For tonight I remember the blessing I have...Grayson Allan.  I cherish the middle of the night diaper changes because I am reminded how lucky I am I have him after I lost our first pregnancy.  Grayson is my little monkey and the light of my days!

XOXO

Dreams....Reachable

Well for at least the whole time I have been married I have wanted to be a teacher.  Children are just so fun to work with and you learn so much everyday working with them.  Working with children is what has brought me the most happiness in my past (until I had my own little bundle of joy).  They just light up my life, getting to know them and making a difference in their lives.  It took me WAY longer than it should of to finally get my Bachelor's degree, but after 5.5 years it became reality.  I thought I would never get there, but I did and have the pretty diploma to prove it.  Funny how that little piece of paper shows one of my big accomplishments thus far in my life...but it sure does and I smile every time I look at it.

Well this week I have begun my next step to this dream I have longed for, for a few years.  I began my Master's in Education.  I can not tell you how excited I was to start.  Along with this excitement was also fear and nervousness.  The fear I will fail, the nerves of, am I taking on too much?  Is this the right time to do this?  Can I do this?  Will I be a good teacher?  All those things have run through my head this week.  But at the end of the day this IS what I want and this IS what I am good at.

Now I would be lying if I said it has been easy this week...it has been the opposite...difficult.  It is a big adjustment doing school while taking care of a 8 week old baby.  Also it does not help that Derrek has duty all month, meaning he in on for 24hrs and off for 48hrs.  Those 48hrs are nice, but the 24 make it hard, but I have done it thus far.  It will take time learning to manage my time with Grayson, school, cleaning, cooking, social life, sleeping, working out (walking) and improving my marriage.

I KNOW I can do this and you know why I know this?  Cause I have some amazing people in my life to offer encouragement, support, help with Grayson and just all around people who believe in me.  Having these people believe in me, makes it easier to believe in myself.  Who said you can't be a Mom AND follow your dream career?  Well I will accomplish both of those cause that is what I have always wanted in my life...to be a mom AND a teacher.

And just for everyone to see an update on my lil Monkey here he is....

On Sunday we got professional pictures done of Grayson for his birth announcements, 2 month pics, family pics and just to document him growing up.  We found the greatest photographer who is so creative and was super sweet and amazing with Grayson.  There is a preview of the shoot (in case you have not seen em) on her blog at http://creativeflairphotography.com/blog/2010/10/all-lashes-el-paso-baby-photographer/#comments.  I can not wait to see the rest of them.

XOXO

What I didn't know then

WARNING: IF YOU HAVE STRUGGLED WITH INFERTILITY, OR BABY LOSS THIS BLOG MIGHT BE HARD TO READ AND I WOULD HATE TO MAKE ANYONE SAD OR UNCOMFORTABLE!

When you first see that positive pregnancy test you get so many emotions.  As you progress through the 9 months of pregnancy you grow more in love with that tiny little being that is kicking your insides like it is a soccer ball, jumping on your bladder as it is a trampoline and flipping like he or she is in the circus.  No matter how much you think you love that tiny (or in some cases BIG, like mine) baby you are growing, the love you have the first time you set your eyes on him or her is just something you could not have fathomed before.  Even if that first time you meet him you may not feel the overwhelming flood of emotions (this can be normal) over time you do grow to have more love than you knew existed in one person.

The first time I met Grayson

I also thought Mom's were a little off there rockers to sit there and stare at that precious new baby while they sleep.  But I have to say I get it now!! I really do.  You stare at them and watch them change there facial expressions a hundred times in 10 minutes and you can not help but laugh.  Though you laugh you also might cry....or so I have.  The cries of joy and just emotion I can not explain. 

My peaceful baby sleeping

The smiles he makes in his sleep or because of gas, you tell yourself that he did it on purpose cause you want to see that smile on purpose.  Then when you know he is smiling socially at you, it is the greatest feeling.  To watch him smile, maybe even giggle a little and coo, is something I could listen to and watch forever.  Though I enjoy all this and his rapidly growing personality, parts of me want him to slow down!  I fear him growing to fast and not being able to cherish it all.  Or him growing to the age where he will not want to cuddle with his mom or when it gets akward to kiss him on the cheek.  I do not want those times to come...but I can not stop time.  So for now, I cherish those smiles, coos and cuddle times.  I kiss him a hundred times a day so that I will not regret not doing it when he gets older.  I am so in love and for all my friends who have not had this blessing yet, I can only pray my hardest that they too get the chance to fall so in love one day whether it be next week, next month, next year or even a little farther down the road!

Smiling as he sleeps

XOXO

Finding me again

As I see some of my closet friends finding support, comfort, release and much more in writing blogs it reminds me of how much I miss writing. Are my blogs funny or jaw dropping? No, but they are not about how others feel as I write, they are about the way it helps me work through life and get through the bad and share the good. Hopefully I can get back into it, as it can only help me better myself and unleash my feelings and emotions.

Life has changed so drastically and I would be lying if I said it has not been rough. But at the same time my complaints seem so trivial when I see such amazing people struggle in life. I have seen many friends struggle with loss and death the last 6 months. Cancer, car accidents and shootings have taken people I know and people who are very close to important people in my life. Some of the hardest things I have witnessed would have to be the loss of babies, through miscarriage, stillborn, infant death or infertility. You may think why infertility? They have not loss a child, but I have to disagree. I think they lose a child every time that stupid stick gives them results they do not want. They go through devastation and loss of hope just as baby loss mom's do.

Can I say I relate to everyone with a loss? No I can only relate to my own personal story of loss through my miscarriage. Every ones story is different and everyone struggles with pain and unknown answers. I struggle with knowing why some people have to go through such hard things with loss of hope over and over again. Or why the people who would be the BEST parents are the ones who get the crap end of the deal. Or that I can not do anything to help them with there pain or frustration and that I can not take it away. Listening does not feel like I am doing enough. Whether they believe in prayer or not, I do so for now that is what I do for them.

For tonight that is all that is on my mind as I look over at my little monkey sleeping so peacefully and am reminded that I have a special gift and I just hope my friends who struggle with loss can be so lucky SOON!!

XOXO