Most people do not know the significance of October 15th, and two years ago I fell into the category of not knowing. October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day is for women AND men who have lost children to infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirths. Before I miscarried I did not know how common it was for women to loss a baby before or after birth. It is something people do not like talking about and because of the lack of support and knowledge on the subject it made the days and months after our miscarriage, lonely. I felt so alone during that time even though I was surrounded by love and support. I felt like my world had ended because I had already in those 10 weeks fallen so in love with that baby. I honestly thought I would never recover and that no one understood. I even had a "friend" say how she understood and compared my situation and hurt to her dog dying after she had only had him a few weeks. Maybe it was mean of me, but I did not want anyone to say they "understood" or there was a "reason" the baby did not survive or "you are young" or the worst "at least you know you can get pregnant". Though people just try to help, those things were the worst to hear. I have to say the all winner of things NOT to say to a woman after a loss is "everything happens for a reason". I believe in this statement completely, but at a time of grief that is NOT something you want to hear. I guess now that I am on the subject I should write my story of my loss, because I want to have it in writing to remember that day even though it was a terrible loss, I do not want to forget the little angel we now have watching over us and how he or she changed our lives. So here goes it, details might be too much for you to read and the story might be long, but this is something I need to do for myself....
Derrek and I were in the worst possible time in our lives. We were still trying to adjust to marriage and each struggling with growing up. Derrek had just re-enlisted and we were about to be moving. He was going to be going to Maryland for school, while I went home for those three months, then we would report to our next duty station. We went home (CO. At the time we were stationed at Fort Irwin, CA) for Christmas. It was Christmas Eve and I had not yet started my period which was unusual cause I was usually pretty regular. I just "knew" I was pregnant, which was weird for me to have that feeling. So I made Derrek go to 7-11 to get me a pregnancy test and of course a slurpee. My mom told me to test that night so I would not worry all night. I took the little stick into the bathroom and did my thing. I than took it to my Mom upstairs and said "I do not know what this means" and she looked at me and said well it is light but it is positive. So I went and told Derrek and we just held each other. I did not know how I felt yet. The next day (and 4 tests later) was Christmas so we told our families by giving them Christmas cards that said "Merry Christmas Uncle or Grandpa or Grandma" and waited for there reactions. So to us it was the best Christmas present we could have imagined.
So we drove back to CA and began to pack cause we were clearing Fort Irwin to move to our next duty station. I was so tired and worn out. Derrek flew out to MD a few weeks later and my mom came to drive back with me to CO. The night before we left to CO I had a little spotting. I was worried but my mom reassured me it was okay. I had still been feeling my pregnancy symptoms and did not really think twice. The next few weeks passed and I adjusted to feeling sick and being away from Derrek. One afternoon Derrek and I got in a fight and I had gone up to my Mom's work to take her something (she works at an OBGYN/Prenatal Diagnosis office as a RN). I was so upset cause of the fight with Derrek so she suggested we do an ultrasound to make me feel better. She asked one of the Ultrasound techs if she would do one. So we go into the room and she begins to look for the baby on my stomach. I should have been 11 weeks at this time. She could not see anything but did not seem worried. She then did a vaginal ultrasound to see because the baby would still be small and sometimes only seen this way. She begins looking, and honestly the next few minutes are not something I remember. She than says calmly how the baby is measuring 6weeks. So she proceeds to tell me that I could be off on my dates or there could be something wrong but it was hard to tell at that point. So we decided I would come back the following Friday to see if there was growth in the size of the sac and that would be how we knew what was going on. I left feeling a little numb but hopeful.
It was not till a few hours later it hit me that the baby was gone. I just got this overwhelming feeling that I had lost the baby. My friends and even Derrek tried to tell me to be hopeful and wait till the following week to see for sure, but I just knew it was over. The next week was full of sleeping, tears and avoiding people including family. I went back and it was confirmed that I was going to be miscarrying at any point. Because this was not my actual dr and they were just doing it for me cause my Mom has worked there for 30ish years, there was not much I could do. Plus with me being in the middle of duty stations the things I had to do to see someone was just a lot of work. Because the baby was not measuring more than 6weeks I was told a natural miscarriage was not a big deal. So one of my Mom's docs came in to explain what would happen and how it would feel and such. So began the waiting game.
Over the next 2 weeks I emotionally grieved a lot and went though what to me was the worst time in my life. The waiting game made it even harder. I was going to MD to visit Derrek for Valentine's weekend and President's weekend cause he had a 4 day. I knew it would wait till I was on my trip to happen, I just know how my life works. So I go to MD on a Thur night. Friday night I began having cramps. I used the heating pad things you can put in your underwear that last an hour and placed it on my stomach. I did NOT sleep at all that night. About 8am I got up cause the cramps were just getting worse and it was so painful. I go to the bathroom and the bleeding had began. I woke Derrek up to be with me. We obviously knew what was happening so we just had to wait it out and get through this last part of something we had been waiting 3 weeks for.
As the morning progressed so did the cramps. They got so intense I was crying and I was use to bad menstrual cramps since I was 14. The bleeding was so much it grossed me out and I had never had an issue with being grossed out by blood. I just sat on the toilet and cried as I was passing everything. It was scary and I did not know if certain things that were happening were normal so I had Derrek calling my mom like every 5 mins. I was so dizzy and nausea's that I even puked a few times in the trash can. I could not get off the toilet cause I was just bleeding so much, so the next best option was the shower. I sat in the shower for about 3 hours. At one point I got up and was standing in the shower cause it was hurting my back sitting in the shower. Then everything went hazy and white. Next thing I remember is I am sitting down with Derrek's hands on each side of my head holding it up and saying "Baby, stay with me" over and over again. I could hear him, but could not seem to be able to respond. Once I was able to I learned I had fainted. For some reason Derrek had a feeling to get in the shower and luckily he did our I would have fallen back and cracked my head open. But he had JUST gotten in he said and he caught me.
So than for the billionth time he called my mom. She informed us it was just cause of the blood loss. But after the next hour of almost passing out numerous times even when sitting, she said we should go into the hospital just in case the amount of blood I had lost was more than my body could handle. So sadly on our way out of the hotel we informed the front desk what was happening and giving them a warning. Our room needed to be cleaned, but I wanted them to know the mess in the bathroom so they were prepared. We finally get to a hospital and it was just a long night. We had nurses who were telling me how excited they were cause there friend just had her baby. Like HELLO I did not just lose mine, so yes please tell me about your friend. I had an ultrasound to confirm I had passed everything, and I had. Besides the ultrasound tech we did not get any support and left with no information or anything. We went and got food and went back to the hotel room. We just spend the next few days together, numb and depressed. The day of the miscarriage was 2/14/2009, Valentine's Day. Though it sucked that it happened when I was visiting Derrek I am glad it happened when we could be together. He never once left my side even through the disturbing image of me bleeding, puking and passing out. I saw a new strength in him and that helped us grow closer in marriage. Still to this day, even though I now have a 9 week old, I think about that baby and what "could" have been. Some days I am reminded strongly of the loss we endured and the pain I still have in my heart.
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| The day after our loss we got tattoos to remember the time that changed our lives, this is Derrek's. |
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<3 In Remembrance of our Valentine Baby, 2/14/2009 <3
XOXO
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