Smiles actually do light up my days

Grayson's smiles can just melt my heart.  He smiles socially now and I can say that is one of the greatest feelings.  It was 4:45am and I was TIRED.  I had an anxiety attack around 1am and Derrek had 24hr duty so I was alone.  After anxiety attacks I am soooo exhausted and sore, so when I finally fell asleep and Grayson woke up to eat, I was groggy and grumpy.  He slept for me from 9:30pm-4:45am so really he was being nice to me, he must have sensed I needed some rest. Even though I had gotten 3 good hours of sleep in, when he woke up for his first feeding I was dragging.

Every time he wakes up for feedings, which he is now only doing 2 times a night, I changed his diaper before nursing him.  I take him in his room and lay him on the changing table and he looks right at me and just smiles.  How can I not be in a good mood after that?  Last night...or I should say this morning, he was talking to me and even laughing at 4:45am.  This is what makes everything worth it.  Those middle of the night feedings, those NASTY diapers (he had 3 BAD ones Thur), refusing to nap and that high pitch cry, simply seem like blessings when you see that little smile and eyes fixed right on you.  The cooing (talking) is also adorable.

Grayson at 7weeks enjoying time watching Mommy cook

As we approach infant loss week, I can not help but have a broken heart for our loss and everyone around me who has had a loss, whether it be infant loss, miscarriage or stillbirth.  It stinks to be apart of that community but I must say I have met some amazing women and wish I would have met them right after I miscarried.  Would have made getting through that difficult time a little easier.  I have a friend who had a stillbirth in May and she has gone on to do amazzzzing things.  I will post a blog about that in the next few days.

For tonight I remember the blessing I have...Grayson Allan.  I cherish the middle of the night diaper changes because I am reminded how lucky I am I have him after I lost our first pregnancy.  Grayson is my little monkey and the light of my days!

XOXO